Perhaps when the leaders of the world have solved problems like hunger, disease, and warfare, they can level their sights at video games. Please Kevin, tell me when that day of glorious rapture will come!

It's called "Mass Effect" and it allows its male and female players (My sister plays this game, but fear not sir! At 20 years of age she is immune to its adolescent mind-rays.) to play through a science fiction story. This story has people in it. People have sex. Sex, as far as I can recall, is the most realistic sex act that has ever been conceived. Now, I've never had sex in a video game but I can assure you that it is most likely more realistic in real life than in this game. Unless I'm doing it wrong.

When I was fifteen I wasn't having sex, but I was playing an awful lot of video games and reading a ton of SciFi. Luckily I escaped the murderous barrage of images both on the screen and in my imagination and grew up to be a productive member of society. (Sort of, I still play video games. When are they going to make a patch for that?) Hidden within the pages of those filth rags of futuristic debauchery were plenty of sexual encounters, and in my imagination I tailored the women to fit my sadistic hormone-driven fantasies. Adding the right color hair, removing any physical imperfections, and of course, objectifying women the entire way. I was born before the ESRB though, and was not shipped with a warning label. I believe kids today have some sort of a chip somewhere, close to their shoulders I think. I couldn't tell you, I don't have kids. Which is why I didn't buy them this game.

If I did have children, I wouldn't buy them this game because I'm cheap and they should pay for it themselves.  But I would let them procure it the same way they would alcohol and pornography without my consent: give a homeless guy five bucks and get him to buy it for them. I guess there aren't any homeless people where you're from.

Your son is fortunate to have "the most visually stimulating gaming system ever made", but I guess he keeps it in his bedroom next to his other Sony products. It's better that he plays the 360 in the family room so you can gather around and watch his morals be stripped away together. As a family.

I do hope that his temporary glance into reality hasn't damaged your son permanently. If his heart has been invaded by the impurities of this game he might wind up imitating those devilish acts and then we would all be graced with yet another generation of (and do please pardon my brevity here, but it's early and I'm looking forward to breakfast)... assholes.

Now that my use of profanity has called into question the validity of my opinions because, frankly, honesty isn't a friend of veiled speech, I can feel free to say whatever I want to say "over the net". It's an orgasmic feeling. I'm delighted at the opportunity to virtually rape your mind with my immoral vocabulary.

Come on. Really? You want our lawmakers to waste time on this? Fine.

I look forward to reading the books that your child's generation will write. Themes of distant fictional futures filled with people that have sex, and that of course fall victim to that ultimate sin sex unfortunately leads to:

Life.